As parents, one of our most important jobs is to prepare our children to be self-sufficient and independent someday. Ideally, we start this process as early as possible — teaching them the value of money and how to budget, showing them coping skills so they can manage disappointments in a healthy way, letting them make small mistakes so they learn how to learn from them and move forward, and helping them learn practical skills. At the very least, your child needs to know how to clean, cook and do laundry!
If you’re a parent, you know all too well that often, there is tension between wanting to help your kids and promoting their independence. You want to support them enough that they aren’t suffering, but you don’t want to help them so much that they have no incentive to do important things on their own. You don’t want to enable any bad habits! This is a common struggle for loving, successful parents.
This balance becomes even more important when your adult child graduates from high school and prepares to go to a community college, college or university; to the military; to a trade school; or into the workforce. When your child leaves home, hopefully you have instilled in them the confidence, decision-making skills, financial literacy, coping mechanisms and other valuable life skills they will need to make the transition easily and to succeed in their new life stage.
Here are five tips for making this transition easier for you, your child and the rest of your family.
1: Define the line between supporting and enabling
It’s important to discuss expectations with your graduate before he or she leaves home. Be open about how much, if any, you are willing to contribute toward a higher education. Well in advance of graduation, help your child apply for as much financial aid as possible, if your family qualifies for it, as well as scholarships and loans.
Also discuss whether you want your child to work part-time while going to college. Be specific. Do you want your child to work 10 hours a week so he or she has discretionary income? Or 20 hours a week?
Once everyone agrees on who will pay how much, talk with your child about the difference between a financial safety net and a lifestyle subsidy. It might be difficult at first to know what your graduate’s actual expenses will be in college, so communicate often, and revisit the expectations you’ve discussed. If you find that your almost-adult child is requesting more money than you expected, discuss what’s happening. Are there simply more expenses than you both expected, or is your child spending too much money?
These discussions, while focused on “financial rescue,” are likely to have some “emotional rescue” components to them as well. You will need to draw the line between supporting and enabling in all areas of your child’s new life away from home — financial, emotional, social and otherwise.
2: Understand why this is hard — for both sides
Single parents and stay-at-home parents tend to have more of their identity tied to caregiving for children than married and working parents. This transition also can be more significant for parents whose only child or youngest child is leaving home. Suddenly being an empty nester after focusing on your child’s needs every single day can require a lot of adjustment. This transition is much more difficult for some parents than it is for others.
Try to fill the void you feel with new activities and hobbies you never had time for when your child was home. Renew friendships. Get back to the gym. Join a meetup that’s aligned with your interests. Maybe go back to work part-time if you didn’t work previously.
Like parents, children who leave home for the first time have varying degrees of difficulty with the transition. Some are anxious, lonely and homesick at first. Self-doubt, a fear of failure or poor social skills can make it extremely difficult for some students to thrive in their new environment. Other students love being away from home, and for them, the transition is much smoother.
Talk with your graduate about the adjustments your entire family will have to make. Also, if you went to college or the military, share your experiences with him or her. Share what to expect, both positive and otherwise.
3: Offer support in healthy ways
Remind your son or daughter that communication will be more important than ever after leaving home. They will need to let you know when they are struggling with something, whether it’s a financial issue, a social difficulty, an academic situation or something else.
Offer encouragement. Offer advice (when asked). Talk through each situation to help your child become a better problem-solver. If your child is having money issues, set a timeline for tapering support. Remind them of the importance of learning how to live according to a budget. Suggest solutions, and discuss the pros and cons of each. Be a sounding board first and a source of funds only when appropriate.
4: Deciding when to say no — and how
Sometimes, helping your child become self-sufficient and independent means you have to say no to their requests. This can be really difficult! Again, it’s easier if you start when your children are young. Practice being empathetic while also setting boundaries. Let your child learn the consequences of not following through on a promise or not handling their money and other resources, including time, in smart ways. Regardless of our age, we all learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes. Let them fail sometimes, and then discuss the lessons learned. What will your child do differently next time?
Avoid “rescue cycles.” Once you “bail out” your child when a difficult situation arises, it can be difficult to say no the next time.
According to a Columbia University-trained child psychologist, Becky Kennedy, parents who say yes to their kids too often — whether reflexively or because they want to avoid tantrums — are doing their children a disservice in the long run. By giving in too easily, we can inadvertently damage necessary boundaries that help children learn appropriate, respectful behavior. Kennedy says any parent’s two biggest jobs are setting reasonable boundaries for their children (to keep them safe and to teach them important life skills) and validating their feelings (to build trust and help them learn how to regulate their emotions).
Explain to your children that you hear them and understand why they want something, but reiterate why you have to say no this time.
5: Use tools that can make it easier
Parents today have access to a lot of helpful financial “training wheels” such as joint-budgeting apps, prepaid debit cards with limits, online money-related games and lessons and good, old-fashioned experience managing an allowance, with your guidance. We also recommend that you introduce your child to your financial advisor when you feel the time is appropriate.
________
Children who are expected to work, follow a budget, save money and plan for the future will achieve financial independence sooner, and more easily, than children who never learn these valuable lessons at home. They are also more likely to be patient, resilient and skilled at solving problems. When you support your almost-adult child instead without enabling him or her, everyone will benefit!
Please let us know how we can help you prepare your child to go out on his or her own. We will be happy to meet with you, your spouse and your child to discuss the fundamentals, and benefits, of financial independence.
