One of the most common financial challenges couples face early in their relationships (and often later on as well) is learning how to strike the right balance between saving and spending. Money is a deeply personal subject, and when two people come together with different habits, values and/or family histories around money, tension can easily follow. One spouse may be naturally frugal — focused on long-term security — while the other enjoys spontaneity and prefers to spend in the moment.
Neither is inherently wrong, but when taken to extremes, either approach can cause strain. Tension tends to build even more when both spouses have different financial goals and priorities.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Be industrious and frugal, and you will be rich.” Of course we recommend and encourage smart stewardship. However, being overly frugal can lead to missed experiences, resentment or anxiety over even small purchases. It may create an environment in which one spouse feels more restricted or guilty for spending on anything that isn’t deemed “necessary.”
On the flip side, unchecked spending can quickly derail long-term goals and lead to financial stress, debt and/or or conflicts over priorities. It’s easy to label one approach as better than the other, but the reality is that true financial health lies in finding a balance or middle ground. That can be different for every couple.
For some, it might involve setting firm savings goals while also budgeting for the fun things — whether that’s dining out with friends, traveling or pursuing hobbies. For others, it might involve following a more structured financial plan with automated savings and spending limits. The key is that both sides feel heard and respected and are aligned on what matters most to them, both as individuals and as a family.
Here are six tips to “get on the same page” as your spouse when it comes to finances.
1. Start with open, judgment-free conversations
We cannot change people! When someone has a different approach than we do to anything important in life, all we can do is accept those differences and find ways to work around them.
Many people bring unspoken beliefs, habits and even wounds into marriage. We recommend that all couples sit down together and talk openly about their childhood experiences with money, what “financial security” looks like to the3m, fears or anxieties around spending or saving, and short- and long-term goals. The better you understand each other, the easier it will be to compromise and work together.
The “2024 Couples and Money” study from Fidelity reveals a need for couples to improve their communication and to share decision-making to manifest financial harmony within their relationships. More than one-third of couples reported disagreements on their upcoming major financial goals.
To increase your wealth intimacy, make these conversations regular events in your household. Schedule monthly or quarterly “money dates.” Talk about what’s working and what’s not. Stay proactive about money transparency; don’t wait until a financial crisis arises.
And then, when you have children, make sure they’re a part of your family money meetings. As they get older, let them ask questions and weigh in on decisions, as appropriate. This will help ensure that you raise children who are financially literate.
2. Create shared financial goals
During your conversations, ask each other what matters most. This helps you understand each other’s purpose, or “why,” for working so hard. And then set some shared goals. Maybe you both want to buy a house, start a family, travel together, pay off debt and/or build an emergency fund. When you’re working together toward something meaningful, it’s easier to find middle ground.
3. Build a budget that reflects both spouses’ values
A good budget isn’t restrictive; it’s intentional. Allow room for both saving and spending. Set a percentage of income you will put toward savings — maybe 10, 15 or 20 percent. Also allocate “fun money” for each partner to spend freely, guilt-free. Even if you manage money jointly, having a little autonomy can reduce tension.
4. Use the “three-account system”
To ease conflict, many couples use one joint account for shared expenses and goals, plus two personal accounts — one for each spouse’s individual spending. This approach helps couples make progress toward shared goals without either one feeling micromanaged.
5. Automate good habits
Today, it’s easier than ever to automate your savings. You can set up direct transfers into savings, a retirement account or emergency funds. That way, you’re “paying yourselves first” before either of you spends money elsewhere. It also takes the guesswork out of the equation and prevents you from having to manually transfer funds.
6. Team up with your financial advisor
Just as a personal trainer can help you move past a wall or plateau in your physical fitness goals, your trusted financial advisor — a neutral third party — can help you and your spouse discover, discuss and align your financial plan with your shared values. This is especially important if emotions are running high or if the two of you have very different income levels.
A recent study revealed that marriages in which the woman was the primary earner were two to three times more likely to divorce than marriages with male breadwinners. This statistic was consistent across all income levels. While households in which the woman significantly outearns her husband account for just 16 percent of couples in America, they comprise 42 percent of all divorces. This lopsided trend has been noted for more than a decade.
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Marriage is challenging enough even when both spouses are on the same page with their finances. When there is misalignment, tension and resentment can escalate. It doesn’t have to be that way! We regularly help couples honor their individual and shared goals with customized financial plans that meet everyone’s needs. I hope you and your spouse will reach out to us soon.
